There’s some things you need to know about your pet zombies. While they’re not technically alive, they are in a sense “active” and therefore must be taken care of properly. In order to preserve their nature you must avoid the following common mistakes people make when caring for their zombies:
1. Do not put zombies in water. Have you noticed your fingers when you’re in water for a long time? Your skin kind of resembles a prune. Zombies do not have the resiliency in their flesh that we do so instead of their skin turning pruny their skin will begin to slough off the bone. This isn’t good for two reasons: the mess and a zombie cannot function with bones alone. You’ll never see skeletons walking around despite what the movies tell you.
2. Do not feed zombies the brain of another zombie to save money. There was a cannibalistic tribe in Papua New Guinea who ate the brains of their relatives. This caused mad cow disease to spread amongst the tribespeople. Similar happens when you feed zombie-brain to their undead counterparts. Zombies must eat living brain tissue (or brains from the recently-living) if you want them not to a) starve to death or b) stop functioning altogether. The last thing you want is a zombie that can no longer do tricks.
3. Do not pull their teeth. While it’s safer to be around a zombie whose teeth have been pulled, it’s really not very nice to do so. If you have already done so, then please make sure to cut the brain matter into small, bite-sized pieces to make it easier for your green-skinned friends to eat properly. This is a messy process but zombies do in fact starve without food.
4. Zombies have no body heat, so please do not keep them outside in the cold for too long. Doing so makes them freeze solid like a block of ice. While they will survive, frozen like statues until spring time, during the winter they’re at risk of limbs snapping like twigs if they happen to fall over. You don’t want your undead pet to be broken into pieces so bring them inside on cold days (don’t keep them too close to the fire, either!).
5. Don’t buy just one zombie. Zombies are amazingly social beings and they like to be in herds of two or more, lest they become lonely and despondent. Have at least two in your home just so they have a buddy to lurch around with and to communicate with. Lonely zombies begin to act out by throwing things, attacking their masters, eating the family pets and so on.
Zombies can’t have sex, so it doesn’t matter if you have a male/female, male/male or female/female pair.
6. Last but not least, do not mistreat your zombies. Don’t let their blank stares fool you; there’s a conscience behind those cloudy eyes. Remember that they, as pets, are members of your family and while they are slaves to do your bidding, that’s not all they are useful for. They are your companions, they are your protectors from other zombies. Keep them well-fed and keep them feeling loved and they will want to eat you less.